Saturday, July 21, 2012


So, I haven't written much about what's going on with our medical situation lately because for awhile there it was all just a bit depressing. Our insurance denied us any genetic testing because it's not covered in our plan and the genius who looked at our case made the random determination that what was happening to us was not genetic.  Also, apparently, when I was tested for NAIT, that was considered genetic testing, and they weren't going to cover that either even though I'd gone through a case worker and thought I was doing everything the way I was supposed to. So, with the help of several people, I put together an appeal to send in to our insurance company with documentation that ended up being over 50 pages long, and I just found out this past week that we were approved for further genetic testing and our insurance will cover what was already done! When I found out, I felt so happy and relieved. It's nice to know that we might be able to find some answers. The tests aren't a guarantee but they're a step in the right direction.

It's strange how when you lose a child, it feels like a void suddenly exists somewhere in your soul and at times, you feel like it's something that may never be filled, that you may never completely be whole again. It's easy to forget about all the blessings you do have and begin to only focus on what you don't have. You forget that other people also have trials and struggle with things that may not be obvious to you and instead you only see that they have something you desperately want. There have been times in the last six months where just being at church was difficult for me because the family that sat in the pew in front, behind, or next to us had young, healthy children in the same order we did. Except theirs are all alive and jumping around the pews. And that's all I could think about throughout the entire meeting. I'm not naturally a person who gets angry frequently but more and more these past few months, I would feel angry and upset with our situation and I felt the void in my soul just expand. I felt jealous and angry when I heard of people "accidentally" getting pregnant and then just miraculously pop out a healthy baby. I have no idea what that's like - to expect that your child will actually live after you find out you're pregnant.

I don't have any great advice for dealing with all of these feelings. Lately, I'd really come to despise the way I have been feeling. I don't like feeling jealous or angry because the Lord is blessing someone else. I want to be better than that...I think it's just human to have those feelings and to struggle with the "natural man" in yourself. So, I've made a conscious decision - I'm going to work on patching up the void. I'm not sure it will ever be completely filled but I know I can work on patching it. I'm not trying to replace the children I've lost, I just need to feel whole again. Some days are definitely better than others but for the past few weeks I feel like I've had more good days than bad days. I'm once again learning to lay my burdens at the Lord's feet and understand more about the atonement. I'm smiling more and crying less. I'm trying to do more service, to appreciate my sweet little family more, and improve my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I still take comfort in the plan of salvation and the words of modern-day prophets and apostles. In the June Ensign, there was an article on infertility which included a quote by Elder Wirthlin from his "Come What May, and Love It" talk in 2008. I love what he said here about the principle of compensation:

“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.”

It's hard not to want the blessings I want RIGHT now, but I realize, along with many other things in my life, I need to be patient and agree to the Lord's timing. Each day, I'm becoming more and more grateful for the blessings I do have and I have found it's the little things, bit by bit, that help patch up the void in me.


Katie @SwimBikeQuilt said...

I am so thrilled about the first paragraph. And the 2nd is heartbreaking, and honest. Love you guys. A lot.

Jani said...

Aria, I am so thrilled to read that you are approved for all the testing you need. We'll continue to pray that you get answers to what has been going on with your beautiful daughters. Church was HARD for me for months, but I know what you mean about having to decide not to let the bitterness overwhelm you. You have handled everything with such grace. Love you.

Cormorant said...

This post is beautiful, Aria. I love your thoughts and the wisdom you are sharing with all of us. We all need to be a little more grateful.

Our little family thinks of you constantly, and even our little ones pray for "Aria and her family." We really hope answers come, but even if they don't right away, we're still praying for you.

LAINA said...

Aria- I love you. You are such a strong and faithful child of God and such an example to me in every way. I am excited that you were approved for the testing and can hopefully get some answers. Thank you for sharing the truth about your struggles and joys.

Love you.