It's strange how when you lose a child, it feels like a void suddenly exists somewhere in your soul and at times, you feel like it's something that may never be filled, that you may never completely be whole again. It's easy to forget about all the blessings you do have and begin to only focus on what you don't have. You forget that other people also have trials and struggle with things that may not be obvious to you and instead you only see that they have something you desperately want. There have been times in the last six months where just being at church was difficult for me because the family that sat in the pew in front, behind, or next to us had young, healthy children in the same order we did. Except theirs are all alive and jumping around the pews. And that's all I could think about throughout the entire meeting. I'm not naturally a person who gets angry frequently but more and more these past few months, I would feel angry and upset with our situation and I felt the void in my soul just expand. I felt jealous and angry when I heard of people "accidentally" getting pregnant and then just miraculously pop out a healthy baby. I have no idea what that's like - to expect that your child will actually live after you find out you're pregnant.
I don't have any great advice for dealing with all of these feelings. Lately, I'd really come to despise the way I have been feeling. I don't like feeling jealous or angry because the Lord is blessing someone else. I want to be better than that...I think it's just human to have those feelings and to struggle with the "natural man" in yourself. So, I've made a conscious decision - I'm going to work on patching up the void. I'm not sure it will ever be completely filled but I know I can work on patching it. I'm not trying to replace the children I've lost, I just need to feel whole again. Some days are definitely better than others but for the past few weeks I feel like I've had more good days than bad days. I'm once again learning to lay my burdens at the Lord's feet and understand more about the atonement. I'm smiling more and crying less. I'm trying to do more service, to appreciate my sweet little family more, and improve my relationship with my Father in Heaven. I still take comfort in the plan of salvation and the words of modern-day prophets and apostles. In the June Ensign, there was an article on infertility which included a quote by Elder Wirthlin from his "Come What May, and Love It" talk in 2008. I love what he said here about the principle of compensation:
“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.”
It's hard not to want the blessings I want RIGHT now, but I realize, along with many other things in my life, I need to be patient and agree to the Lord's timing. Each day, I'm becoming more and more grateful for the blessings I do have and I have found it's the little things, bit by bit, that help patch up the void in me.